Today, David Cameron explained at the Conservative Party Rally that he wanted to repair broken Britain and put family back at the heart of our society.
He has a five point plan:
1) Since the cause of Broken Britain is Broken Families, Cameron will abolish divorce. That way, no families will ever be broken. Children will never be without a father. Divorce lawyers are already lobbying violently against this policy. Married couples will no longer be allowed to seperate.
2) No unmarried couples will be allowed to cohabit unless they spend a lot of money getting a Government Cohabitation License - or marriage. Various Religions are already inisisting on a Lick The Arse of God clause.
3) Selfish single people will be forced to move into one bedroom flats (or just a big room with one of those sofas that doubles as a bed type thing) and will not have sex until they get a GCL. That way nice married happy couples (with women wearing nice skirts and the men in ties) will have nice houses.
4) Babies will be required to sign contracts as soon as they've calmed down from their one way push and shove down a uterus or whatever its called, to be middle class. After all, no middle class children ever throw stones at windows. Parents will be allowed, on behalf of a future Conservative Government, to bring up the children providing they wear skirts, ties and take an interest in Wimbledon.
5) If a citizen is selfishly single after the age of 40, he or she will be required to move to the Isle of Wright. If said individual happens to be gay, well, how uneconomic of you.
I'm sure they will be an extra tenner a week for families, which, of course, would have saved every marriage ever from divorce, wouldn't it? The fact that you now loathe old leathery goat face is neither here nor there.
Roll on 2010.
